wwuuuuaaaaaaaarrrrrggghhhhhh

i apologize in advance for this, but i just really need to rant.

it's the third day of school. i just got back to California on Monday. school's being a bitch, and i now have a whole bunch of loose ends in need of tying up. contrary to popular belief, i am trying to sort things out. obviously i'm not trying hard enough or working fast enough for some people, but the point is that i am still trying.

it's not my fault that the school has a horrible system. every single student and even some of the teachers here know that. nothing works as efficiently as it probably should, and that's a fuckin' piss off. but there's not a whole lot that any of us can do about it. i wish my sister would see that, too. but she's apparently blind to it.

i know she just wants the best for me. she's my older sister. but every time she nags at me to get something done, i feel this very powerful urge to not comply. she makes me feel like this total, pathetic loser, and geez, maybe i am, but she doesn't have to go and point it out whenever she feels like it. i understand the whole "tough love" thing, but there's something called tact that i'm not sure she's familiar with. we've pointed out to her time and time again that she's too harsh on people. i doubt she knows what it's like to be on the receiving end (she's one of those perfect people that never get scolded by higher ups)... and what makes it all so much worse is this: if you've fucked up with her and you know it and you decide to go and apologize... psh. best of luck. she's impossible to apologize to. it's frustrating.

so you end up just having to sit there, waiting to see if she's in a forgiving mood before you even try anything.

i swear she's the cause of my being so... mentally imbalanced. hypersensitive, is what one of my friends called it. i'm gonna have to talk to that friend again. i've got this horrible urge to start crying, but i'm at school right now, so that might not be a good idea.

but still, it's not my fault that there is a gaping 4 hour block of absolute nothingness between my classes on Mondays and Wednesdays. i wanted to put something there, but i didn't know what! i didn't want to dump another full-fledged class in there, i wanted to have some sort of balance (two classes a day, makes things a bit lighter. literally). so i looked for some kind of fitness thing. and guess what? there's no fitness classes to go into that space, and since it's only the 3rd damn day of school, i've only just checked what jobs and internships are available. i'm not even sure i qualify for any of them, but i wrote two potential ones down and i'm gonna apply for them.

i'm still gonna hafta wait for an answer there. until then, there's still nothing to do with my time. so i thought i'd use that time to write, or draw, or even go to sleep because i'm tired. is that really such a bad thing? until i find something i can fill the time with... i mean, really, what else can i do??

and i don't understand why i got attacked for telling her that i called one of the offices and tried to get things cleared up. she asked why i didn't go to the office in person and i told her it's because nobody knows where the hell that office is. she got mad. honestly, i don't get why, but she did. it was like i had done something wrong when i thought i did something right.

"fine. whatever. i don't care anymore."

something about her saying that made my blood run cold. seriously, that scared me. and there was honestly a hot prickling behind my eyes for a moment and i just felt horrible. 'cause i thought i'd done good, but it turned out like i'd become the greatest disappointment ever.

ugh. UGH. i don't get it!! i just wanna curl up and die somewhere. >_<