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Oct. 26th, 2011 10:11 ami am... really messed up, i think.
i need to stop just saying things. i need to actually do them.
i need to stop just saying things. i need to actually do them.
over and done with
May. 17th, 2011 06:55 pm i'd written something here before, but it's gone now. chrome and LJ ate it.
i dunno. i guess it doesn't matter.
but here's the final thought: i'm all out of faith in myself.
that should do it.
i dunno. i guess it doesn't matter.
but here's the final thought: i'm all out of faith in myself.
that should do it.
apparently today's just... one of those days.
do you ever wake up and just... know something is going to go horribly wrong that day? like there's just... something off. you can't place it, and you don't know what exactly is going to happen, but you're sure that something is going to suck up the rest of the day?
well, that was today for me.
so i tried to avoid it by staying home. but this kind of thing is always unavoidable. naturally, it follows me. it finds me online, and puts it all there, and then that's it. that's me being doomed to suffer through the horrible thing that's coming. and the weird thing is that, with me, it's never shit that i'm directly involved in. it's stuff with my friends, or my family, or whatever. and then i somehow end up feeling responsible. i somehow end up feeling like i have to help fix it, when most of the time there's really nothing i can do.
*sigh* honestly, i don't really know what's going on anymore. everything feels so surreal. everything everyone says seems so distant. i feel so... completely disconnected. and i feel like any attempt to bridge that gap, to reconnect, is getting thwarted. thwarted by some stupid paranoia that everything i do isn't right, even if i try to make it look right 'cause people can see right through it.
guh, i dunno. i'm probably just really extraordinarily abnormal and that's that. :\
back to the point. today was not a good day. it was full of weird and stupid and fail and horrible, and i wish it would end a little faster............................................................................................................................................................................................................
meh.
do you ever wake up and just... know something is going to go horribly wrong that day? like there's just... something off. you can't place it, and you don't know what exactly is going to happen, but you're sure that something is going to suck up the rest of the day?
well, that was today for me.
so i tried to avoid it by staying home. but this kind of thing is always unavoidable. naturally, it follows me. it finds me online, and puts it all there, and then that's it. that's me being doomed to suffer through the horrible thing that's coming. and the weird thing is that, with me, it's never shit that i'm directly involved in. it's stuff with my friends, or my family, or whatever. and then i somehow end up feeling responsible. i somehow end up feeling like i have to help fix it, when most of the time there's really nothing i can do.
*sigh* honestly, i don't really know what's going on anymore. everything feels so surreal. everything everyone says seems so distant. i feel so... completely disconnected. and i feel like any attempt to bridge that gap, to reconnect, is getting thwarted. thwarted by some stupid paranoia that everything i do isn't right, even if i try to make it look right 'cause people can see right through it.
guh, i dunno. i'm probably just really extraordinarily abnormal and that's that. :\
back to the point. today was not a good day. it was full of weird and stupid and fail and horrible, and i wish it would end a little faster............................................................................................................................................................................................................
meh.
naaag naaaag naaaaag...
Mar. 11th, 2010 09:42 pmhere's the thing. i know my sister means well by amassing massive amounts of leftover food into the fridge. she does, after all, have to provide food for me somehow, and that's the best way she knows how to do that, since she's not in the apartment for 4-5 days a week. but i would think that, after living with me for several years straight, that she's realized that unlike her, i don't like eating leftovers. i never have. it's just... gross to me. i don't know why, it just is.
she also has to realize that i'm no longer home as much as i once was, so i have no reason to not be able to get food for myself somehow. i'm not sure how exactly she expects me to eat all the food that winds up in there within the one week that it remains good when i'm not home most of the day. even if i did like leftovers, i'm not capable of packing that shit away as fast as she can.
i just think that if she really wants all that food to get eaten? she should also be here to help out with that.
...
and then there's the part where she makes me feel bad about it. yes, i know it's a waste. yes, i know i said i would clean up. yes, yes, yes, i understand all that. and yes, i know that i need to be nagged in order to get anything done. but does she have to do it with that tone of voice? that one that sounds like she's so terribly disappointed in me? that absolutely reeks an air of "God, you suck at life"? that makes me feel like such a horrible person? y'know, i'm not the one who never comes home. our situation at the moment basically stands as follows: she pays the rent for my apartment in exchange for the right to use the same as a closet. so why does she still feel the need to try playing disappointed mother on me? she's never here. what does she even care about how i live?
i get that she wants me to learn how to do shit the same way her boyfriend did. initiation through fire or something, right? but- well, maybe this is a big shocker or something, but... i'm not her boyfriend. knowing full well exactly how i grew up, she honestly thinks i'm gonna figure out how to do all this on my own? i get it, i'm spoiled. time to wake up, sleeping beauty, and learn about the real world.
yes, my oh so very independent boyfriend's a good influence. and i get the tough love bit, i really do.
but... sometimes? i kinda wish i had my sister back.
she also has to realize that i'm no longer home as much as i once was, so i have no reason to not be able to get food for myself somehow. i'm not sure how exactly she expects me to eat all the food that winds up in there within the one week that it remains good when i'm not home most of the day. even if i did like leftovers, i'm not capable of packing that shit away as fast as she can.
i just think that if she really wants all that food to get eaten? she should also be here to help out with that.
...
and then there's the part where she makes me feel bad about it. yes, i know it's a waste. yes, i know i said i would clean up. yes, yes, yes, i understand all that. and yes, i know that i need to be nagged in order to get anything done. but does she have to do it with that tone of voice? that one that sounds like she's so terribly disappointed in me? that absolutely reeks an air of "God, you suck at life"? that makes me feel like such a horrible person? y'know, i'm not the one who never comes home. our situation at the moment basically stands as follows: she pays the rent for my apartment in exchange for the right to use the same as a closet. so why does she still feel the need to try playing disappointed mother on me? she's never here. what does she even care about how i live?
i get that she wants me to learn how to do shit the same way her boyfriend did. initiation through fire or something, right? but- well, maybe this is a big shocker or something, but... i'm not her boyfriend. knowing full well exactly how i grew up, she honestly thinks i'm gonna figure out how to do all this on my own? i get it, i'm spoiled. time to wake up, sleeping beauty, and learn about the real world.
yes, my oh so very independent boyfriend's a good influence. and i get the tough love bit, i really do.
but... sometimes? i kinda wish i had my sister back.
